Dear vendors

Dear vendors,

When you send an email that says “Last chance to get your free reports!” we do NOT feel a sense of urgency.  What we actually say to ourselves is “oh thank God, now maybe they will stop pestering me!”  We realize that the free content you offered is part of your lead generation system and we expect to to be contacted.  That’s only fair.  However, in a “freemium” and ad-supported online world, you need to expect that not everyone will buy, and that latching onto us like a Pit Bull is not the way to develop long-term customers.  After the 5th or 6th contact, we not only hate you, but your activity makes it less likely we’ll respond in the future and you make the pie smaller for the entire vendor ecosystem.

However, when we get 4 or 5 contacts *after* the “last chance” email, you have earned your place in the 9th circle of vendor Hell.  You do not deserve to be in business and are lucky to get any sales at all.  It is my earnest belief that whatever sales you do make are not due to quality of product or skill of the sales team (which is self-evidently non-existent based on the constant dunning), but rather because the universe requires your existence in order to inflict pain on those who have amassed extremely large negative balances of karma.  In fact, your constant presence in my life leads me to wonder whether at some point in the recent past I ran over a box of kittens without realizing it.  Not the mangy, flea-bitten, “free to good home” kittens in a box by the side of the road, mind you.  To have earned this, they would have had to have been the cute, healthy, fuzzy little kittens with anime eyes who rack up millions of page views on YouTube and star on e-cards with captions like “Life is puuuurrrrrfect!”  Yeah, I would have had to have killed those kittens to deserve you.

But I didn’t kill any kittens and do not deserve you.  If anything, you deserve each other.  Which brings us to what I feel is really the best solution for everyone involved.  Since you were kind enough to provide your name and contact information, I will be signing you up for each other’s services.  I had originally thought to merely pair you off but then I realized that it would be more appropriate to fully interconnect you all.  Each new misbehavor will be connected to all the previous misbehavors, and they to him.  Either you will learn the error of your ways and market like normal people, or you will be consumed in an endless loop of fruitless marketing to one another, thus removing yourselves from the advertising ecosystem entirely.   Either outcome would be a ginormous win for the rest of us.  Welcome to the 9th circle of Hell, guys.  May you rot in it together.

— T.Rob

About T.Rob

Computer security nerd. WebSphere MQ expert. Autist. Advocate. Author. Humanist. Text-based life form. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or LinkedIn.
This entry was posted in Clue train, Rant and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Dear vendors

  1. T.Rob says:

    In that case my grandson is marketing the hell out of the Angry Birds hooded blanket. I’ve got to cure him of this before he grows up to become a marketing guy.

  2. DwH says:

    at least now you know the difference between sales and marketing

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