Careful what you ask for

Dear Neighbor,

First, let me express my thanks and gratitude. Last month when we spoke, I respectfully requested that you pick up after your dog. I explained that the city right of way extends 15 feet from the curb and that you have every right to walk the dog in that right of way and let him “do his thing.” However, you are also obligated by local law and common courtesy to pick up after said dog and not leave my front lawn filled with his land mines. I explained that our grandson plays in that yard and that we adults use it for recreation as well and that the frequent soiling of the yard by your dog diminishes our enjoyment of our yard.

I had my doubts afterward as to whether you took our conversation seriously. I got the impression that maybe you were offended or simply didn’t care about the feelings of your neighbors and felt entitled to let your doggie droppings lay where they fall. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that you did indeed take our conversation seriously and are now bagging up the offending material in a sanitary manner. So for that courtesy on your part, I express my undying gratitude.

Because I am so deeply grateful, I hesitate to bring up this next matter. You’ve been so kind and generous already and I really don’t want to impose. So I hope you’ll allow me the privilege to ask one more tiny favor of you:

Once you bag the poo, you aren’t supposed to leave it under the mailbox for me and my wife to pick up, assuming we get to it before the mail carrier runs it over and turns it into poo-cake road kill.

bag o' poo

At least it’s not on fire.

I’m not entirely sure, but I do not believe that this qualifies as “disposing” of the poo as required by the statute.  Even if it did, common decency and respect for your neighbors might suggest that this is not the optimal solution to the aforementioned land mine problem.

The "before the mail carrier stopped by" picture

The “before the mail carrier stopped by” picture

I wondered for some time what particular life experience leads someone to believe that this is OK and then it occurred to me that you have probably spent a lot of time as a member of a state-sponsored roadside cleanup crew (i.e. – an inmate).  Someone who has spent the majority of their life picking up roadside litter and leaving it on the curb in plastic bags might eventually come to believe that this method works in smaller batches.  I assure you that there is no collection service that comes along and picks these up.  Household waste?  Yes.  Every Monday.  Recycling?  Yes, every other Monday.  Your dog’s poo?  Not so much.

Up until now, I had been attributing your choices to your being a narcissistic asshole with a complete disregard for the feelings of your neighbors.  Once I realized that this behavior was probably learned over a lifetime of incarceration and public service, it changed my entire attitude about the whole thing and I decided to approach you again, explain my position, and politely request that you dispose of the doggie-doo-doo in your own garbage can.

Finally, it’s worth mentioning that now that I understand the root cause of your behavior as ignorance and cluelessness, I sincerely regret having saved up a week’s worth of your doggie poo presents and smearing them all over your car windows, car door handles, front door knob, doorbell and (now un-)welcome mat.  I hope that this did not unduly diminish your enjoyment of the car or household entry way.

About T.Rob

Computer security nerd. WebSphere MQ expert. Autist. Advocate. Author. Humanist. Text-based life form. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, G+, or LinkedIn.
This entry was posted in Clue train, Rant, Social issues. Bookmark the permalink.

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