Earlier today I happened to look up from my computer just in time to see my wife pass by my office door naked and then head down the stairs. I had no idea where she was going in this condition, but since it was away from me I figured it was the wrong direction.
I muted the call I was on with a client and yelled after her: “Hey I hope you aren’t planning to answer the door like that!”
“No you idiot,” she replied from the bottom of the stairs. “I need my camera.”
Wait, what? Thirty-plus years of marriage and at least twenty of those with a digital camera in the house and she’s just now discovering sexting? Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I figure it’s never too late for her to discover sexting. OK, maybe someday but definitely not today. The fortune cookie last week at PF Chang’s said I was due for some good luck but I had no idea just how good it was until now.
Meanwhile on the phone my client babbled on about something important but by this time I had no idea what. I just swiveled my chair around and waited for the return trip. Sure enough, a couple seconds later she turned the corner and ran up the stairs, phone in hand and still naked. It was worth the wait.
“When can I expect some pix?” I asked as she breezed past the door.
“Any minute,” she replied and then disappeared.
Sure enough about a minute later my phone chimed. I had already unlocked it and opened the messages app in anticipation. I clicked on the text message and the phone rendered a glorious close-up photo my wife had just taken.
Of an ant in the shower stall.
“Do you think the exterminator can make out what it is?” asked the accompanying message. “I want to make sure they get out here soon.”
“Turn the phone around,” I texted back, “and they’ll be out here tonight.”
I seriously need to have a talk with the fortune cookie writers.
I have a story on Medium called How to torture your wife which is consistently my second-highest viewed story there each week. The entire post is an elaborate setup for a really bad pun that I inflicted on my wife one evening. It is barely worth the time to read it so I figure that the title is what’s bringing in all the hits. The title of this post is in part an experiment to see if the same effect happens here because, let’s face it, some of y’all are freaky.